last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm experimenting with sincerity
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
