I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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