Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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