If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
