So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
