I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
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