The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
