I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We had sex on a dog bed..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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