I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
