Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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