i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
