The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
