Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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