you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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