Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
