Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
