I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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