Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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