i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
