did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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