I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
