i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
