I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
