I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Boobs are out for the taking
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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