I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize