Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
