I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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