1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
