I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
