I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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