bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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