While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
