He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
