He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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