i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
