Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
