Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
and you said cock pushups were impossible
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
