You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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