I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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