I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She's just so happy...and so naked.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
