Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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