I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
