note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
