Sry I called you an 8
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
