I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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