so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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