You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
