you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
