She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
