Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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