so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
