I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm gonna have a badass scar
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Floor bacon is actually really good
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
