Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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