Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
