I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
