my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
