Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
