I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
