coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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