I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
