Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
