We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Drake has all the answers
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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