Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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