WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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