I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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