He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
