This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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