remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
